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Hippo Eats Dwarf

BANGKOK: A hippopotamus swallowed a circus dwarf in a “freak accident” in northern Thailand, according to a columnist in the Pattaya Mail.

The Grapevine column reported: “A circus dwarf, nicknamed Od, died recently when he bounded sideways from a trampoline and was swallowed by a yawning hippopotamus waiting to appear in the next act.

“Vets said Hilda the Hippo had a gag reflex which caused her to swallow. More than 1000 spectators continued to applaud wildly until they realised there had been a tragic mistake.”

The dad said “Ok Grandma, how are you going to escape this angry, man-eating bear?”

Granny replied “I’ll try carving him!”.

At that point the little rugrat with blonde ponytails ran to the kitchen and returned with one of those long forks and a carving knife. Granny gracefully, as gracefully an 80 year-old lady on her back with a german shephard-sized plastic bear on chest, started to carve the bear’s arm like a Thanksgiving turkey.

I woke up at that point. It’s a shame, I would have loved to see how this game progresses. I can see this sold at Toys-R-Us next to “Squeal like a Pig” and “Guard the still” family action games.

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My pal Heidi, the one I had Ottis Toole the serial killer draw a portrait of, has just released her new book The Ninnies: Coloring Book for Haters.

It includes lovely images for you to tear out, color, and then address and sign on the back. It’s perfect for those assholes you meet every day. It’s even better for your friends that piss you off. Because there’s nothing that makes the anger go down smoother than having it presented with scribbles that go beyond the outlines.

Fox News needs to just come out of the closet. They are raiding the gay closet for sex terms. Here’s a guy recommending we Teabag the Whitehouse. I’m waiting for someone to talk about cleaning up the santorum in politics.

Rep. Thelma Drake late Thursday night conceded the election for the 2nd Congressional District to political newcomer Glenn Nye after a bitterly fought race.

With a small number of absentee ballots still being counted, Republican Drake released a statement saying some voters waited in line for hours and many troops serving overseas, including Iraq and Afghanistan, sent absentee ballots.

“Those ballots have been counted and the voters have decided,” she said, congratulating Democrat Nye.
Daily Kos

I search for my name all the time. Not because I’m self-centered, far from it! Not that I’m less than spectacular…

I search for my name when testing search engines and the latest startup concepts. I know what is a decent result (anything that features myself prominently).

No, I’m just tired of articles for Thelma and her gun club popping up in “Ted Drake” search results. It’s a small, but annoying thorn in my side. Hopefully in a few years these results will disappear and I can bask in the glory of an all-Ted result page.

It’s a good thing I am so modest.

Back to Sordid Lives. This film didn’t get much attention when it was released years ago. However, it was a smash hit in Palm Springs, where it played non-stop for about 95 years. It was practically a law in the dessert city that you had to memorize at least 5 lines of the film. One didn’t want to flub something of such importance.

This new soap opera looks really good. It’s got almost all of the original characters and even brings Blanche Devereaux back to the warm embrace of the aging gay populace. Rue McClanahan now plays the dead mother harlot that is thankfully alive and raising heck.

If you have no idea what I’m talking about… watch the following preview.

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Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like this flight has been bad. There are no singing nuns, deadly snakes, or poisonous entrees. No, this flight has been filled with those little experiences that make me say to the little gremlin on the wing: “Did that just happen?”

Setting the stage

The flight started off fairly normal. I’ve got a great seat, 32G – a bulkhead aisle seat. The seat next to me is empty and a lady with her toddler sits on the other side of the vacancy. On the other side of the aisle are a couple of elderly women. One of them is frail, the other is quite sprite. Directly behind me is a French couple taking self portraits while strapped into the seats.

The rest of the plane seems to be comprised of inbred American teenagers on at school trip to Paris. No, seriously, they all have this common pie shaped, dough colored look. There is a really ugly set of patriarchs somewhere in California.

Oh, my seat is also a mere 4 feet from the restrooms/self-service area. I’ve got a steady stream of traffic to the right of me.

Hello Mr. open fly

I was treated to several visits from Mr. open fly. We’re not talking simply unzipped. I think this guy thought he was in an adult bookstore and was letting people sample the wares. He paraded up and down the aisles with the fly well open.

It reminded me of a little kid I went to  elementary school with. One day he wore overalls to school with no drawers. He delighted in letting the other kids check the contents of his pockets, hint hint, nudge nudge.

Naturally, I didn’t tell Mr. open fly that the corral was open and the horse was ready to escape. Why spoil such pregnant expectations?

The community television screen

I don’t know how we survived without individual television screens on airplanes. God bless jet blue for introducing the masses to such luxuries. Now we can fly blissfully around the world without having to share the joys of Everyone Loves Raymond with a planeful of idiots that actually think its funny.

No, we now have the ability to watch our own selection of movies, tv shows, and other special visual treats. It’s even possible to spend 9 hours watching movies without seeing Owen Wilson’s stupid nose, a “cutting” sitcom with laugh tracks galore, or the standard educational documentary featuring animals tearing each other to pieces.

No, that’s what the community screens are for. Scattered around the plane are little televisions displaying safety messages, animated stewardesses serving scalding hot coffee, maps of the world with the progress of our plane, and a disturbing collection of entertainment. I hadn’t really noticed these television’s content until this flight.

If it bleeds, it leads

I haven’t been watching the screens consistently. I’ve been trying to watch movies on my little personal slice of video heaven. Once in a while, my eye will be distracted by something twittering on the community screen, which sits about 4 feet away, next to the toddler’s suspended bassinet.

Piglets photo by ynskjen on Flickr

The first scene that grabbed my attention was a group of playful piglets trying to jump out of their pen. The pens looked like an farm from an old vampire film: dark shadows, low angle, carefully placed detritus, and a sanitary suspense. Ah look at the cute piggies.

Bam, cut to a butcher’s knife chopping through some anonymous chunk of animal corpse. One second cute piglet, next second a farmers market and dinner for some family.

This documentary then cuts to a pleasant Asian women talking to to the camera. There’s no sound, so she could be discussing the future of world peace in Africa, the art of Owen Wilson films, or the joy of slaughtering piglets. Frankly, I am assuming it is the latter. We continue to watch more scenes from Chinese markets as mysterious chunks of creatures are pulled out of woks, women plucking birds, and dogs running around scavenging for snacks and litter mates, sometimes both at the same time.

Keep in mind this is displayed on banks of televisions scattered around the plane. It’s also on some kind of demented loop. I’ve caught this documentary several times.

The broadcast hits keep on rolling

There was one particular stretch of joyous images that occurred during our meal time. Which reminds me of a particular Thanksgiving memory at the Drake house. We were gathered around the table waiting to dive into the feast.

Naturally the television was  on and for some reason it was tuned to a surgery channel instead of the normal Three’s Company marathon. Just as the food was starting to be dished out, a doctor cut open a tumorous organ and a gallon of black bile poured onto the surgical table. Yum, pass the gravy.

So, while I’m diving into my vegetarian in fight meal, the community televisions start displaying a series of bloody images. Tibetans were getting slaughtered, cartoon detectives were shooting bad guys, piglets turned into meat chunks, and the toddler next to me is making his toy ambulance crash into his toy cement mixer. “Would you like some bread with your meal?” You betcha!

The long trip to powder the nose

The frail older lady next to me needed to powder her nose a couple hours ago. This procedure involved several people as we jockeyed positions to make sure she had a clear shot to the bulkhead. Her companion assisted her. Just as she finally gets out of her seat and is heading towards the powder room, passengers from the forward section jump into the toilets and she’s forced to wait for an opening. One of the stewardesses assisted her to the premium lounges. She made it back in good shape and is now sleeping soundly.

And then Little Betty died

Little Betty is the name of my new laptop; a tiny toy of a thing made by Asus. Unfortunately, the battery died mid flight and I wasn’t able to finish documenting this flight. There were several inbred teenagers that liked to hangout at the free sodas in front of my seat. I could describe them for hours. Alas, my post-flight haze is kicking in and they’ll have to escape the brutal knife of my razor sharp wit.