Category: Friends

Spiders are gonna get you!

Heidi's reaction when teased with a spiderI have many jobs, but money isn’t the only salary. Sometimes I work to torment my friends and family. It’s the Scorpio Asshole in me.

Take Heidi for example. She’s afraid of insects. Not in the “I don’t like bugs, icky!” mode. She’s bat-shit crazy about bugs and has been known to freak out when a bug lands on her windshield wiper while driving down the road. The thought of a spider crawling up her leg would motivate her to get a chainsaw and hack her leg to pieces.

Naturally, one of my jobs is to deliver a steady stream of insects to Heidi’s Facebook, SMS, and emails. Here are some recent additions.

Attack of the White Tail Spider

A kid with a serious obsession with pouring spiders on his body

Trees covered with thousands of spiders

Seemingly innocent hair ball erupts into thousands of fleeing spiders

The mother of all spiders is gonna get you!

Skip the bird, give them a page out of this book


Passive aggression can be down right fun. Especially when it happens to someone else. It’s even more fun when you can be downright nasty and funny at the same time.

My pal Heidi, the one I had Ottis Toole the serial killer draw a portrait of, has just released her new book The Ninnies: Coloring Book for Haters.

It includes lovely images for you to tear out, color, and then address and sign on the back. It’s perfect for those assholes you meet every day. It’s even better for your friends that piss you off. Because there’s nothing that makes the anger go down smoother than having it presented with scribbles that go beyond the outlines.

post-roadkill

Dead armadillo in a cooler
Durward called me this morning.
He was driving around Florida
With a dead armadillo in the back seat
Looking for a gas station with a Styrofoam cooler and ice
To get his new souvenir stuffed.

I’m sure there will be photographs soon.

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